Hello again, newbie. Where were we?Ah, last time I had told you why the fake Suhasni Pandita profile I have created on Facebook cut no ice with those shrewd and headstrong Kashmiri Pandits (curse be upon them).No point in brooding over the one that got away. By now, I don’t even want to convert a Pandit; I hate that community too much.
The Kashmiri separatist dream of making the tehreek-e-Azadi appear secular and inclusive is proving to be unrealistic with each passing day. It is not just the Pakistani or ISIS flags and Islamic radicalization in Kashmir. As it is, we have a known record of having conducted massacres of innocent Sikhs, that other non-Muslim minority in Kashmir, and of the last few remaining Pandit hamlets that stayed put in the valley and did not flee in the 90’s.
We should just cut our losses and not invest our energy anymore in pretending to be secular or even remotely reasonable. Nobody believes us at the international level anyway, except for the stupid, the indoctrinated, the stooge, the corrupted, and the anarchists. Wait, don’t get the impression that there is a long list of these exceptions; our international agents carry all these traits together. That is, our agents are stupid, indoctrinated, corrupted anarchist stooges and numbered. The notable ones, at least, are very few, and that they are essentially stupid will give you the idea of their competence.
Besides, we are already outsourcing the subterfuge and propaganda to our collaborators in the local, national, and international media, academic, legal, and human rights industries. So why make a collective effort when you can just pay some agent, agency, or NGO to do the PR and cover-up for us? All they have to do is to pretend to be the greatest guardians of the lives of Kashmiri Muslims and then mislead and push their children off sheer precipices. And then shed copious tears and blame their deaths on the potential energy or gravity of the Indian landmass. Neat, no?
Indeed, jihad, militancy, assassinations, stone-pelting, gundagardi, coercion, social ostracism, shutdown stranglehold, and destruction of private and public property, all combined, is the only way to achieve Azadi. And we will be successful,inshallah.
Why are death and violence necessary? What a silly question, newbie.
Shaheed Ki Jo Maut Hai, Woh Quaid Ki Hayat Hai
Death is what keeps the tehreek alive, newbie. What happens in peace and normalcy? People go about their education, jobs, and life, and forget about the tehreek. This war is not about the people of Kashmir or their worthless Western education, jobs, or lives or personal dreams. Otherwise, why we would ever create conditions and situations where their death becomes inevitable.
The Kashmir conflict is our violent attempt to acquire sovereignty over the Kashmiri territory. Make no mistake: it is war by other means. And in war, what do you expect but death and destruction. Flowers? Sure, but on the graves of Kashmiris! Listen, we cannot make an omelette without breaking some eggs. Be sure that we intend to make an omelette as large as the map of Indian-occupied Jammu & Kashmir from the spilt brains of Kashmiri Sunni Muslims. Jung mein sab jayaz hai. Why do you think I use subterfuge on social media if it were about the truth, compassion, or moral principles? Stupid.
Anyway, let us not digress. War is for our expendable Ghazis and child soldiers. I am too super intelligent and too highly qualified for that. Besides, I belong to an elitist priestly caste. Consider me the super platinum version of your humble madrassa-educated mullah fomenting jihad inside a mosque in rural Kashmir. The difference is only of the medium: the mullah works in a mosque on the ground, and I work in an AC room on the internet. Both these spaces, real and virtual, converge inside the minds of people since both of us are indoctrinating real people.Both of us provide the ideological framework that ensures an abundant supply of our consumables, namely, our foot soldiers. As long as Kashmiris reproduce and raise children, our jobs are secure.
Yes, I am now being paid for this job, which I previously used to do just for fun, by my separatist handlers. What can beat a fun job, newbie? I need the money anyway after I was far… after I quit my old job. In protest, lest you forget.
You ask too many questions, newbie. Now shut up, before I forget what I was going to say.
Ah yes, the futility of trying to pretend to be secular. As I told you, let our outsourced agents do that. Let us instead look inwards and persuade the fence-sitting Muslims, which form the majority in Kashmir (close to 95%, give or take a percent), to rally around our protest programs and hartal calendars.
After all, serving death threats to dissidents and non-cooperative Muslim masses and even occasional assassinations haven’t been working of late. Damn them, these laanati Kashmiris are performing wedding ceremonies even in the present turmoil. Imagine how unconscientious they are. Burhan Wani is dead and they want to live? But I console myself with the fact that these wedding will produce more children, which we can recruit. Catch them young, yes.Terrorism and wile always succeed newbie, always.
And that is where wily Suhasni Pandita still has her utility.“If a Pandit is also agreeing with the separatists, it must be true, no?”
Victory at Last: Suhasni Becomes the Trusted Content Distributor
To say thatSuhasni Pandita is doing extremely well would be a gross understatement. After all, she is the brainchild of the most superhumanly intelligent man I have seen in a mirror.
Now that I have quit my job in protest against the Indian agency (oh, please stop asking which), I have all the time to play Suhasni Pandita. The entire day, I copy-paste and post separatist propaganda and memes from a couple of newspapers websites and closed and secret separatist Facebook groups, and Ms. Suhasni Pandita’s loyal separatist followers dutifully strew them across the Facebook with clockwork precision and concerted effort. Not even a single soul doubts my genuineness. Except for, of course, those incorrigible and non-convertible Pandits (curse be upon them), but that you know already.
And guess what? Tadaaa…Suhasni has been able to even convince many Leftist Hindus from India. They have not been the victims of our terror and we never threatened, murdered, or raped them, like we did the Pandits.That makes it easy for us to convince and convert these ignorant useful idiots.
Perhaps there is still hope that we can fool the world about our secular character. Perhaps these stupid Leftist Indians can give the tehreek a secular patina. Or at the very least, make tehreek-e-Azadi seem based on universal human rights to camouflage our nefarious designs to merge Kashmir with Pakistan or a Caliphate or create the Independent Islamic Republic of Kashmir. Azadi, in any case, is a utopia, so day-dreaming is par for the course.
Of course, ever so often, Suhasni posts provocative and hate-filled posts against the Pandits. I would have liked to say that this is because such posts serve to endear her more to her communal Muslim audience, though, yes, it does have that positive effect. Truth be told, she posts them just for getting the sadistic pleasure of seeing these hate-mongering Pandits, who spurned her, seethe in impotent rage.
What did I tell you, newbie? My new job is fun.Business mixed with pleasure. Welcome to the club.
More Unexpected Findings: Every Boon Has Its Curse
Yet, every boon has its curse. Though I am a complete genius, even I had not expected Suhasni Pandita to have 5000 ‘friends’ with 2300+ pending friend requests on Facebook. How is that a curse?
Newbie, if you receive a hundred marriage proposals a day from a hundred different bearded pig-faced doctors and engineers living in Saudi and Pakistan, you wouldn’t ask that question. I am a man, a straight man, for God sake. Now it is not just my wife’s face that haunts me (you haven’t seen her, so shut up); now I have to also contend with the obscene mental images of these pot-bellied old farts who message me their disgusting photos and selfies for my approval and comments.
They all want to Skype with me. They all want to see my profile photo, up close, very close. It is not just that I am afraid they will discover that I am no female; the mere thought of having a video conference with them makes me feel nauseous.
Many of Suhasni’s ‘friends’, of course, have made me their ‘sister’. But that is still a ‘jabri naata’, no? How can one take them seriously? I want them to read my posts, share them, and buzz off. That’s it. But they have this misconception that if they send me more than a couple of messages, our ‘relation’ has cemented and formalised. Stupid irritating morons.
And oh, I get so many dawah to embrace Islam, though often they too come in the form of marriage proposals. They all want to convert me.And me, a Muslim already. When I try to change the topic, they tell me that I will become interested in Islam the more I engage with it and the more I read their proselytizing material. And these pious-polite tableeghi jamaat types are so damn persistent and annoying. They tell me of the convert Maryam Jameelah all the time. At this rate, I will also become a nutcase like her.
Worse, they all try to engage in conversation with me. Newbie, I have to engage with these dumbasses to keep them in humour, and you ask me how is that a curse? I have got a severe case of OCD since childhood, for God sake. And piles too from sitting at the computer all day, ever since I got my first computer ten years ago.And now these pre-existing conditions have grown worse.Much worse. My day starts and ends with wiping the blood off my arse and applying anal cream now.
My mind will explode one of these days reading and responding to their bad spellings, uppercase words, and SMS lingo.I get notifications from Facebook messages sent from all across the world from all time zones and at odd hours. Messages like: “hy shishter!!!!!! u thr ???” or “i so hppy u accpt uss MUSLIM brthrzzz … u truuu kashmri… u so gd y nt nw actp ISLAM n bcm bst.”
And lest I forget to mention, those three crazy Jan Sanghi Pandits I mentioned last time kept sending me rape threats. What an ugly community! But I have blocked them. I have taken enough screenshots.
The worst part is that the messages of real value to me, from my real friends, family, and handlers, often get lost in this relentless barrage of notifications and messages. My friends and handlers I can handle, but imagine my situation if my wife becomes angry at me having missed liking and commenting on the stupid quotations she posts (you haven’t seen her angry, so shut up).
It is all spam, all spam to me: all the boundless love of these Muslim morons for this ‘Ideal Pandit’ that they finally could relate and connect to. It is like suddenly they all have found their twin “shishter”that they had lost in childhood in Kumbh Mela. Except that, in this case, it is the million-strong crowd of Kumbh Mela rushing at poor Suhasni all at once to give her a bear hug.Too much of success can be a stampede.Their crush on me is squashing me, newbie.
When my mobile data expenses shot through the ceiling, I got a wifi cable connection, because I don’t leave my seat anyway. The moment I turn it on, my mobile gets hung for the 10 minutes that it takes for the thousand Facebook and Messenger notifications to download on my phone. And the instrument buzzes during that time like it is on vibration mode, when it is not.
A few days back, out of exhaustion and exasperation, I told my handler about this ‘technical difficulty’. He suggested that I post a request, asking my ‘friends’ not to message me as I am going to be busy with my exams at JNU. My handler though he is, he is not as super sharp as me. If Suhasni is so busy with exams, who the hell is going to post the separatist propaganda on her wall? Stupid sucker. But Suhasni Kashmiri Pandita did post this direct message, without mincing any words (only made some sloppy ‘mistakes’):
“I am sorry, I can not reply everyone and especially those who are just trying to seek my attention or sending spam messages. Please comment I’ll prefer answer you there but can not handle to answer hundreds of messages at the same time”
If you didn’t get it yet, newbie, let me tell you that this is not an ‘experiment’ anymore, but a ‘project’. It used to be fun when I used to do it just for kicks, but now that I am being paid for it, it seems like I am working in the worst sweatshop imaginable. It is turning out to be a bigger nightmare than my marriage.
And I am being pressurised by my handlers to perform. “Operation Post-Burhan” is petering out with each passing day with Azadi nowhere in sight. On top of that, winter is coming. But I just cannot perform like this. But of course, I cannot refuse them. This is my new job now, my only source of income. And if I quit this job as well, my wife, who earns more than me, will get very angry, and you won’t like her when she is angry (you haven’t seen her, angry or otherwise, so just shut up).
I am seriously considering deactivating my Suhasni Pandita profile and starting a male Pandit profile. Like some Ashok Pandita. At least I will escape from all these amorous and religious advances and “shishter luv uuuuu” stuff (I can’t understand why these oxymorons write elongated abbreviations; ‘you’ is shorter than ‘uuuuu’.).I will also write posts in flawless English.Perhaps it will also help me with my OCD.
Flawless, yes. Sloppiness, no. It is wiser to intimidate your audience than to get intimate with them. Remember I said that, newbie.
Author’s bio: Suhasni Pandita is a genuinely fake person. Any resemblance to any person living or dead may not be coincidental, as she has to steal some real person’s identity once in a while to fatten her profile and make it look genuine. In case of any resemblance to a real person, she apologizes in advance. Or better still, she will just deactivate her Facebook account and resurface as Ashok Pandita.