Wednesday, September 28th, 2016

Confession part 2: Some Kashmiri separatist leaders are mass murderers with a terrorist record

Suhasni Pandita | September 28, 2016 8:18 pm Print
Since I am in a confessional mode, let me not take full credit for this idea and please don’t forget to give me more brownie points for my continued humility: I was inspired by our great separatist leaders, some of them mass murderers with a terrorist record, who raise a hue and cry on the accidental or incidental death of a Kashmiri by the police and push hundreds of more children towards death on the same auspicious occasion.

Hello, newbie. I am back. Last time, I revealed to you why I had created this Suhasni Pandita fake Facebook profile as a social media experiment: one, to whitewash that terror was the reason the entire Kashmiri Pandit community fled from Kashmir, and two, to fool the world that Azadi is a secular and inclusive demand of a diverse group of Jammu & Kashmir.

Agreed, Kashmir is not the only region in the State of Jammu & Kashmir and that still leaves out the Jammu and Ladakh regions. Rest assured, I am working on that. Soon you will get to see fake profiles of a Sharma, a Namgyal,and what have you, championing the Azadi demand of some of us Sunni Muslim Kashmiris.

Now, last time, I had also promised to share the findings of my social media experiment with you. So here is my second instalment.Remember, even us fake profiles keep our promises; we happen to be real men behind your screen.

Unexpected Findings of My Social Media Experiment

The thing with a new experiment is that you cannot predict the outcome. In any case, life is full of surprises. For instance, just yesterday morning, not even a smart man like me could have predicted that later in the afternoon, after years of doing hard substandard work at exorbitant rates for that Indian agency, my contractual jobs would be terminated and me blacklisted, all of a sudden.

But then, what else can a beleaguered Muslim expect but discrimination in a Hindu majority India working in an Indian agency (no point asking which; I no longer work for it).This is how in India they persecute us Muslims, especially Kashmiri Muslims. This is why Pakistan or Caliphate or Azadi is the only way for us Muslims. Yet, isn’t it unfair and so unexpected in a so-called secular democracy?But worry you not. I used to resist the Indian occupation through my corrupt practices until yesterday, but today, destiny has opened for me yet another path of resistance: The Quit Indian Agency Movement.

No, the Indian agency didn’t fire me; I quit in protest and broke the ‘jabrinaata’. And, inshallah, tomorrow I shall urge all true well-wishers of the tehreek-e-Azadi of Kashmir to emulate my example of self-less resistance and personal sacrifice. I am sure the Azadi supporters of Kashmir will choose me as their new leader, once I publicly announce my bold decision of disassociating with anything Indian including quitting my Indian job. Once I recover from the shock, that is.

Anyway, the results of my new social media experiment were as unexpected and shocking as my quitting the agency.My brainchild Suhasni Pandita tried her best to convince and convert those infidel Pandits, but all in vain.Mind you, the Pandits on Facebook took immediate notice of her, as the firebrand, outspoken, and copy-paste-prolific Ms. Suhasni Pandita was not to be ignored. Some of the Pandits did, in fact, share her pro-Azadi posts on their walls and in their myriad closed groups they never let her in. Alas,from what I understood from their conversations that were visible to me, these shares were only to dismiss Suhasni’s carefully compiled posts as the sloppy handiwork of some fake Pandit profile, who just copy-pastes from tehreeki propaganda sites. That was exactly the point, you bloody grammar Nazis!

Anyway, it turned out that apart from not believing that a supporter of Kashmiri separatism can be genuinely secular, the shrewd Pandits simply couldn’t believe that a supporter of Kashmiri separatism can be genuinely Pandit.

I was so snubbed and ostracised by ‘my’ Pandit community that I couldn’t convert, I considered reverting to one of my fake Muslim profiles. No less than three crazy Pandits sent me hate messages, making abusive and rude sexual remarks about my character, even threatening me with rape (I have saved the screenshots; they will come in handy to expose this hate-mongering community).

The saddest part is that none of the Pandits bothered to befriend me or got to know me well first. And they talk of Kashmiriyat!Not even one of them gave me a chance to convert them. None at all. Zero. The only saving grace was that couple (may Allah bless them). You know, that Leftist-IslamistPandit-only-in-name‘odd couple’ I mentioned last time.They readily, and on their own, sent me friend requests and started sharing my posts on their Facebook walls like the dutiful Azadi agents they are.

Then there were these scores of Indian Hindus who did befriend me readily. They were the Jan Sanghi trolls one invariably encounters on any Facebook page. Obviously, they were there to keep an eye on this anti-national Suhasni Pandita, since I had written ‘student at JNU’ in her Facebook profile.

To top it all, even the Kashmiri Muslims did not befriend me. They also could not believe that a Pandit could be an Azadi supporter because they too had never seen any such Pandit (apart from the aforementioned agent couple).

To their credit, however, a dozen or so pro-Azadi valley-based Muslim journalists did find it plausible for a student of JNU, even a Pandit, to be an Azadi supporter. Or at least, they wanted to network with someone based in New Delhi who could help find them a real job outside the valley. They were fed up with the incessant shutdowns and violence they so passionately support as per their editor’s policy. Alas, I wasn’t looking for content creators, which journalists are, but for content distributors on social media.

Obviously, I was deeply disappointed with the results of my finely devised experiment.And you must give me brownie points for my humility that I am admitting that even a super humanly intelligent man like I can miscalculate on extremely rare occasions.

Shukur alhamdulillah, however, I was not to be denied for too long. Khudakegharmein der hai, andher nahi.

Where There Is a Wile, There Is a Way

Of course, I had given up on these treacherous Pandits altogether. To befriend a Pandit is to befriend a serpent, as the Kashmiri Muslim saying goes. However, I couldn’t stop wondering about all those Muslims on Facebook (some of whom I know to support the tehreek), who stayed away from SuhasniPandita, suspecting her to be fake. I took that snub more personally.

Kashmiri Muslims had to get used to seeing Azadi-supporting Pandits, or what was the point of me having created a dozen fake Pandit profiles, besides SuhasniPandita. Surprised? Yes, I always keep a dozen backup profiles on standby (in case I am forced to deactivate one). And once things go as planned, I will make them all public and create a majority of Azadi-supporting Pandits. In cyber guerrilla warfare, it is called ‘farce multiplication’, newbie. Remember, gang up against the opponent, always outnumber them. Smoke and mirrors.

However, this getting used to seeing’ business was not going to take off until I undisputedly proved it to the Kashmiri Muslims that this Azadi-supporting SuhasniPandita was a bona fide ‘Ideal Pandit’. I took it up as a challenge.

Did I go through the time-consuming process of cultivating a fake profile until ‘friends’ greet it on its fake birth date? Not this once. Last time I did suggest that the tehreek is on the decline and we needed endorsements from Ideal Pandits to invigorate it urgently. See, the issue of Kashmir was being raised internationally by our collaborators and stooges around the world.All of us had to give it our best shot and speed was of the essence. How then did I manage to get Suhasni a bona fide certification quickly? Listen and learn, newbie.

What I did was that I unleashed one of my backup fake Pandit profiles, namely, Urmila Kaul. Note the correct spelling in ‘Urmila’, for I did not intend to use her for long. Meticulously, like only a super intelligent man like I could, I planted contradictory bio data details in Urmila Kaul’s profile, which even the dumbest of my Muslim audience could detect, after more than a little help from a super sharp person, of course.

My Urmila Kaul avatar, ideal but conspicuously fake, operated for a few weeks, spewing out conspiracy theories about the reason behind the leaving of the Pandits. These anti-Pandit declarations, by a Pandit woman with a smart-looking profile picture, confirmed the inherent biases of those Kashmiri Muslims on Facebook who deny any role of terror in the Pandit exodus of the early 90’s.In those few weeks, she collected hundreds of gullible Muslim ‘friends’ (mostly fake Pakistani profiles posing as Kashmiris).

Still, the smarter genuine Kashmiri Muslims stayed away, despite some of them being separatists. But that was soon going to change if everything went as per my plan, which was to play my trump card: to kill my new avatar with my original avatar. Tadaaa…

One fine day, SuhasniPandita posted the link to the profile of Urmila Kaul, with the preface that Urmila was a fake profile and that she (Suhasni) requested her ‘friends’ to be careful about adding such fake profiles.

The modus operandi: “one who catches a thief cannot himself or herself be a thief”, or so the stupid think. It does not matter if you are a bigger crook, as long as you make a big show of catching the petty thief and acting very self-righteous about it. As suddenly as my quitting my job, SuhasniPandita was now catapulted as a bona fide and certified‘Ideal Pandit’ on Facebook, for all to see, even the sceptics.

Behold! SuhasniPanditawas swamped with so many friend requests that she reached the maximum limit of 5000 ‘friends’ per Facebook profile in a single week! That the bulk of her friends were the Pakistani fake profiles lending support to the oppressed Kashmiris of India and the Jan Sanghis keeping an eye on a JNU anti-national is a different story. You have to acknowledge my ingenuity. Who is your daddy now, newbie?

However, since I am in a confessional mode, let me not take full credit for this idea and please don’t forget to give me more brownie points for my continued humility: I was inspired by our great separatist leaders, some of them mass murderers with a terrorist record, who raise a hue and cry on the accidental or incidental death of a Kashmiri by the police and push hundreds of more children towards death on the same auspicious occasion. And yet, idiots consider such leaders as having a great love for the lives of Kashmiri Muslims.In other words, to be a respected mass murderer, you have to oppose a murder of one. I am the best because I have learnt from the best masters of deception.

Thus did the bigger fake SuhasniPandita expose the lesser fake Urmila Kaul to became the undisputable darling heroine of the separatist crowd on Facebook.

And come to think of it, why don’t real Pandits, opportunistic as they are, try supporting Azadi wholesale and unconditionally; it is a guaranteed claim to fame, a springboard for instant fanfare. Besides, we separatists could do with an addition to the ‘odd couple’ (may their tribe increase). I think it is in the very nature of these infidel independent-minded Pandits to oppose the diktats of the Muslim majority. And we are supposed to be living in a democracy where the majority decides! Wow!

In any case, who cared:SuhasniPandita was a super duper hit and, soon, I was going to unleash my other Pandit avatars, to give nature a helping hand. If I couldn’t convert the Pandits, I could still use these fake profiles to convert the fence-sitters among the Muslims, which formed the majority of the majority of Kashmir.“If a Pandit is also agreeing with the separatists, it must be true, no?”

Suhasni Pandita